“Russia, if you are listening and you can find the missing 5,000 votes for Troy Balderson, I think you will be highly rewarded by our House Republicans! Maybe even get some of that adoption stuff you keep talking about?”

“We are completely confident in the President’s ability to handle himself with any attorney, for any period of time, but this Mueller guy? No way” shouted Rudolph Giuliani as he stepped from his motorcycle side car – goggles still on. “The guy is a trickster, a totally unethical slimeball who will lay traps. Questions like “tell me what you had for breakfast. Or what is your son’s favorite sport” he knows damn well Trump couldn’t pick Baron out of a line up, let alone know what he likes to do. So no way. Too dangerous. We’ll give them one question with a yes or no answer and The president will fill it out on a bubble sheet we can scan. And THAT’S our final offer”.

In a PPV special scheduled tentatively for Sunday night at 9 pm of Labor Day weekend, The History Channel is hosting the simultaneous unveiling of both Barack Obama’s birth certificate and Donald Trump’s 2012-2017 tax returns. PPV proceeds are expected to pay off America’s 21 trillion deficit and fund public education for every American student through the year 2061. Video retrospectives of their lives and accomplishments, and performances by Beyoncé, The Smothers Brothers, Kid Rock and Bonzo the chimp will highlight the star studded spectacle. More to come on this once in a lifetime event.

“In spite of the fake, disgusting news you might be hearing, I’m not the least bit concerned about Don Jr. he’s a great kid, and by the way has phenomenal hair – just like your favorite President. Anywho, I have a great relationship with Putin, we clicked, everybody wanted a boxing match, but he and I just held hands for like 50 minutes straight. Beautiful eyes. It’s amazing what you can find out when you know how to handle relationships – like he has a Pekingese named Smokey that can walk 80 feet on its hind legs – Obama never found that out! Why? He’s a low IQ loser, that’s why. Probably never thought to ask. Big V (that’s what his close friends call him – myself included now! See how diplomacy works John Kerry!) has assured me that in the new government Don jr will be just fine, probably will even get to run portions of the international real estate portfolio. So don’t believe all you read, see and hear”.

“Wait, what??! You’re going to pay me 179,700 per year! And I just have to make up stuff a few times a week for like an hour?

“Yes Sarah, we don’t pay you, the taxpayers do…”

“Where do I sign?”

“You may like me, but don’t diss my man LeBron for spending his money to improve children’s lives. Particularly when you can’t even dribble dude…. signed Mike.” #orangeaintthenewblack

Breaking…. Norwich Connecticut, 8:53 AM.

In a startling discovery at the childhood home of famous American traitor Benedict Arnold, a diary was found underneath the kitchen floor boards. Scrawled on each of the 34 pages contain variations of the words “No, you’re the puppet”. Some 622 instances of the phrase in all were written. Historians of famous traitors have found a remarkable similarity in the writings of Julius and Ethel Rosenberg, Judas iscariot, Aldrich Ames and Robert Hansen, where the interrupted use of the words “you are the puppet” seems to be a delusional symptom of pushback against those pursuing them.

“Look, I don’t give a crap, get it out!!!! I don’t care if Lincoln, Roosevelt and some other jackass slept in it. Throw it in the garbage, it’s uncomfortable and my mcfish sandwich fell between the Boards last night and I couldn’t get it out. I want the bunk bed in there right away. I promised a friend of mine from Russia that we’d have a slumber party this fall and this is going to happen!! Do you understand? I promised him the top bunk – he thinks the bed is in there already….”

Thanks for joining me!

Good company in a journey makes the way seem shorter. — Izaak Walton